CHAPTER 139

2026-03-20

When it comes to elder care, beyond the objective conditions, it is the elderly person’s state that determines the level and pace of care required. It cannot be rushed, nor can it be slowed—it can only proceed step by step as things unfold.

The night we discovered that my mother’s left middle finger was swollen like a sausage was the first weekend evening of October 2017. The whole family was having a Mid-Autumn Festival reunion dinner at a restaurant, and we were eating red bean dessert.

Both my parents had good appetites—my mother even more so. They were advanced in age, their bodies had shrunk, and my mother could no longer straighten her back. Sitting in a wheelchair, she leaned forward while eating, her chin close to the table. With her right hand, she used chopsticks or a spoon to shovel food from the bowl into her mouth.

Everyone was chatting happily. It was only when most of the dishes had been cleared from the table that I noticed my mother’s left hand holding the bowl. Her middle finger was severely swollen, a dark reddish color, with the swelling extending to the middle of the back of her hand. I immediately asked her why her finger was so swollen. Due to cognitive decline, she paid no attention to it herself. My father, sitting to her left, said she had injured it on Wednesday. He had already applied ointment, and it had improved a lot—nothing to worry about.

As usual, my father tended to downplay troublesome matters, turning big issues into small ones. We did not trust his judgment.

Everyone focused on my mother’s finger. The redness and swelling were so severe that it was clearly a bacterial infection, and it was continuing to spread. There was even a risk of amputation—this could not be delayed. My parents could no longer manage the situation themselves, and the condition could not wait until Monday to see the family doctor. She had to be taken to the emergency department immediately for examination and treatment.

The diagnosis confirmed a bacterial infection. She needed immediate intravenous treatment, followed by daily visits to a day clinic for continued infusions. Only after the condition was under control could she switch to oral antibiotics, with community nurses providing home support. The three brothers and our families took turns accompanying and transporting her.

During the nearly eight weeks before she was admitted to a care home, my mother was not very aware of what she was going through. Each time she went to the clinic, she would praise how clean and bright it was, and how polite the nurses were. On one occasion, she pointed to my wife, Victoria, who was sitting beside her with a rounded belly, and softly asked me if she was pregnant. I shook my head. She then pointed to her own belly and said she herself was several months pregnant.

To avoid the need to reinsert an IV needle every day—and to reduce her physical discomfort—the nurse inserted a catheter connector in her forearm near the wrist. But the day after returning home, we often found that the connector was missing. Having forgotten what had happened and disliking the foreign object, my mother would pull it out herself. Reinforcing it with stronger tape and repeated reminders proved ineffective.

On one occasion, when picking her up, she was coming downstairs on a motorized stairlift. The connector was missing from her forearm, and blood dripped steadily from the wound onto the carpeted steps.

When my father saw this, he immediately imagined that if she were alone in the bedroom and bleeding like this, no one would be able to save her. He panicked. I told a lie: “The doctor says Mom needs to be admitted to a care home for treatment.” He agreed.

Later, we informed the medical staff about the bleeding incidents and asked my fourth younger brother to contact the community care coordinator to arrange for my mother’s admission to a residential care home as soon as possible.

In elder care, beyond objective conditions, it is the elderly person’s state that determines the needs and pace of services. One can only proceed step by step as things unfold.