CHAPTER 63

2025-07-04

After I knew I was going to be hospitalized, I decided that this arrangement would ruin my career and reputation. I broke down and burst into tears, refusing to obey.

On the evening of Wednesday, May 29, 2019, which was our 33rd wedding anniversary, I was sent to the emergency room of a regional hospital for the first time, accompanied by medical staff and police officers, because of my emotional instability. From the onset of illness on March 8 to being admitted to the emergency room, it lasted 112 days.

On that day, my body and mind continued to be hit by anxiety and despair, and I was on the verge of collapse. I had already had thoughts of suicide, but I still hoped that I had not deteriorated to the point of suffering from clinical depression. My admission to the emergency room was a "voluntary" act under duress.

Earlier that day, my younger son and my wife thought I was emotionally unstable and feared that I had suicidal tendencies, so they called an ambulance and asked me to be sent to the hospital for treatment. When I found out, I believed that this arrangement would ruin my career and reputation. I broke down and burst into tears and refused to obey. My younger son practiced wrestling and locked my arms from behind. I couldn't move and had difficulty breathing. After he relaxed a little, I was able to breathe. (It took me more than two years to fully understand and stop worrying about my younger's behavior.)

Soon, two uniformed police officers arrived first, one male and one female. They were very polite and listened to my son's statement patiently. They both believed that my condition did not meet the requirements of psychiatric laws, but agreed that the examination and diagnosis of the psychiatrist in the emergency room would be helpful to me, so they persuaded me to go voluntarily.

I was worried that my son's use of force to subdue me would be disadvantageous to him, so I asked the police officers without naming him whether this behavior was illegal. The male police officer answered me straightforwardly: "You mean your son? He will be fine."

Although I was emotionally unstable, my values ​​and rationality were still there. Among the six brothers, I was the most active and was punished the most by my mother, but I always loved to be a good student, liked to be praised, disliked to be ashamed and deterred by punishment. Although I had not yet accepted the need for hospitalization, I knew rationally that I could not delay this time and could only succumb to power. After the ambulance arrived, I got in the vehicle accompanied by the police, and my wife sat next to the driver. My son drove along.

In the ambulance, I explained in detail to a male nurse the difficulties my family was facing. After listening carefully, he comforted me and said that although my situation was difficult, it was not bad. I continued to explain for a while, and he became silent.

After the ambulance arrived, I got out of the car, and my wife was in front. I glared at her, dissatisfied that she sent me to the hospital. She immediately reported to a uniformed staff member, probably saying that she felt unsafe. The uniformed staff member stayed with her until the medical staff in the hospital accepted me as a patient. I have always been law-abiding and restrained myself.

That night was very long. I informed my closest friends and complained against my wife and son for sending me to the emergency room. A close friend came to visit me in the middle of the night. That night, I also paid special attention to other patients who seemed to have emotional and mental problems, fearing that I would become like them in the future.

After the doctor and psychiatrist on duty examined me, I believe they both determined that I had a problem. They temporarily prescribed sedatives and referred me to the regional psychiatric clinic. I was discharged after midnight.

Two days later, I was sent to the same emergency room again.